BOYS

For those of you who don’t know…
I’m pregnant! I’m just over 4 months along and, having survived the first few months of morning sickness (not as bad as with Skyler), and risk assessment screenings (you know, that older mom nonsense), our whole family is getting more and more excited.

A few weeks ago we found out that this baby is a boy. I am to be the mom of two little boys. I have to admit that when the ultrasound tech first told us, I felt this wave of grief. Even before Skyler, I have had a deep desire for a little girl, a daughter. I know that my reaction to this news is, in part, a sign of how well everything else is going ~ how lucky we are to be sad about the baby’s sex, rather than a problem! But I also know that (given my advanced age of 38 and all) this is probably our last baby. And so I find myself mourning for the daughter that I will never have. I mourn silly things like beautiful clothes (not that I like pink or ruffles, but still) and girl names. I find myself sad in advance for this baby who won’t have the opportunity to be the ‘first’, but instead will stand in direct comparison with Skyler (poor baby, says the doting mom inside of me, what a challenge to live up to). And I mourn much less silly things, like the balance of genders in our family, and the opportunity to raise a strong feminist daughter alongside my gentle feminist son. I mourn the mother-daughter connection, the connection I have with my mom and sisters and women friends that I yearn to re-create. (Although, when I told my mom the baby’s sex, she reacted by saying “Oh Good! Boys are so much easier than girls!” Hey…thanks mom.)

I try to keep this grief at the loss of what will never be separate from our joy in what is. This healthy, growing baby who will bring to our lives unknown blessings, unknown challenges, his little unknown self. The power of connection between brothers, just as powerful as the connection between sisters. All the potential, and purpose, and karma that this being holds, that I can’t wait to discover. Skyler helps us hold the inner truth—He was with us in the ultrasound when we found out the babies sex. His reaction? He jumped up and down in his chair and said, “Now there will be two boys in our family!” I asked him if he was excited because the baby was a boy. “No,” he answered, “I’m just excited that there’s going to be a new little person!” Exactly.

I find myself now looking at moms of boys and trying to see myself in them. Monica & Aunt Suzie, each with two sons, now grown, but still deeply connected to mom. The mom at the beach, laughing at her two blonde boys running in and out of the water. The super-sporty mom playing baseball with her FOUR boys at the park. The picture becomes a little clearer. I will never be that sporty mom in a baseball cap, but perhaps I can be the alternative mom with the crew of little boys with tangled long hair, empathic natures, and colorful clothes, teaching my sons how to love and respect women. I find the feminine influences Skyler has have become instantly more important. I will work harder to keep him connected to his best friend Allegra and his cousin Torin. We will make sure that his dress up box has lots of princess dresses. We enjoy him insisting that he is the “big sister” (long story).

This morning Erik gives me a hug & Skyler climbs into the hug as well. I feel the baby move, held by my adoring men. I feel a resolution and peace move though me. This is what I will be ~ The image of the Goddess, the feminine, to these men. In this loving moment Skyler laughs and says, “This is a sandwich hug. Mama and Daddy, you are the bread, and I am the peanut butter, and the little baby is the honey!” Our family, a peanut butter and honey sandwich. This baby, the sweetness.